Younger children do not have the intellectual resources and older children, the emotional resources, to understand divorce, as any- thing other than, “I am being left by my parent.” The fear of never seeing one of their parents again is a difficult situation to face. The ultimate wish is to see their parents reunited and back together again. One reason why divorce is so difficult for kids, is the fact that they have limited experiences to understand why their parents separated and what happens when one parent and maybe two parents, leave the home. If one parent leaves the home, what’s stopping the other parent from leaving, too. If that were to happen, then there would be nobody left to take care of them.

Many times, children are often afraid to ask what will happen to them. Their worst fear being permanent abandonment. If parents do not explain what divorce means, the child may remain in a high state of anxiety over a long period of time. Sometimes this anxiety gets expressed as acting out with aggressive and non-compliant behaviors. Sometimes it gets expressed as withdrawn behavior, eating or sleeping problems and/or school related problems.

The children, therefore need an explanation, at a level they can understand, what divorce means to them. Reassurance and their understanding that it is not their fault can be very helpful and go a long way. Simple explanations, that are geared to their developmental level, can be sufficient. Children of divorce are normal children, that are going through a traumatic experience and they respond according to their age and maturity. Parents are urged to seek a parenting education course and consider a professional counselor, if they feel, that the situation is getting more and more difficult and/or worse over time.

It is difficult for parents and children to try and initially figure out whether the idea of co-parenting or shared parenting is going to work. Some parents find it easy to act in the best interest of the child, while others still harbor feelings of hurt and resentment, and nurse their wounds by remaining angry.

Post divorce relationships and the reshuffling of a predictable routine take time to evolve. Honoring a parenting plan may be influenced by the degree of flexability in the plan, the actual participation by the non-custodial parent, realistic joint decision making and the actual perceptions of what was compared to what is. Getting through the post divorce process can further be complicated by the domestic abuse history and the continuation of drug and/or alcohol abuse by one or both parents. External environmental factors, such as income changes, mother’s employment status, school and peer changes and parenting skill levels, can further impact how the children deal with divorce.

The Internet offers a wealth of advice and information on how to successfully deal with anxious and confused children. It offers tips on successful co-parenting. Yet, all the information and data can be overwhelming and time constraints may limit the parents’ ability to sort through relevant articles. This website will attempt to make suggestions, from time to time, on articles that may be helpful in improving the parents’ understanding of a particular concern. Several we would like to recommend are:

1. mediate.com and the article is titled, Psychological and Emotional aspects of divorce. It covers divorce effects on children, emotional stages of divorce, typical reactions of children to divorce and signs of stress in children.

2. In Positive Parenting through Divorce on divorcenet.com, changes are discussed and the recommendations are: “to minimize stress on your children and ultimately on yourself, try keeping your lifestyle close to what it was prior to the divorce. If possible, they go on, keep friends, family, school and other community support systems stable. When changes are necessary, make sure you give your children ample notice about them.”

Divorcenets.com has a checklist for a stable home environment and also offers six keys to successful co-parenting:

1. putting aside negative feelings, since how you feel is less important than how you act toward your ex,

2. respect each others need for privacy and share only things pertaining to the children,

3. Each parent’s time with the child is sacred and pre-arranged schedules should be honored,

4. Each parent has the right to develop their own parenting style, as long as no harm is being done,

5. acknowledge that both of you have good qualities to offer the children and

6. acknowledge uncomfortable and awkward feelings about these new ways of relating, but keep affirming your commitment to the new relationship.

Effective co-parenting often grows over time and can take a period of months or even years to evolve effectively. The ability to move on with your life and disengage in a past reality can be assisted by professionals and parenting education programs.

Children, ages three  to five, may regress in their development and exhibit sleep problems and a fear that separation and loss may also be evident in the custodial parent. A heightened need to interact with the non-custodial parent may also be apparent. In early latency, ages six through eight, grief is exhibited by the child and fantasies of the parents reuniting in the future are common. Divorce is seen more as temporary rather than permanent.

In late latency, ages eight through eleven, a sense of powerlessness prevails, with feelings of anger over the loss of the intact family. The child may try to take over the role of missing parent and attempt to provide the care and support, that is absent.

In adolescence, ages twelve through eighteen, there may be feelings of depression, acting out episodes and possible suicidal ideation. Moral judgements may influence the adolescent’s thinking about their parents decisions and actions. In becoming more involved with their own peer group, the adolescent can meet their own basic needs better and show more compassion for one parent over the other.

Divorce can have an impact on parenting skills, as the custodial parent is faced with establishing new routines, at the same time dealing with less money and the possibility of having to work, in order to support the children. Hopefully these hardships are more short term than long term, but if they persist along with recurrent conflicts with the other parent, than problems will continue to escalate and parent-child relationships will suffer.

Children should have access to both parents and extended family members. Parents and extended family members do not divorce the child. Children need a sense of continuity and a predictable routine. Parental guilt over the divorce should not interfere with  fair, consistent and firm discipline. If the intensity of the child’s reaction to the divorce is more than you think it should be or lasting longer than you believe it should be, than your decision to seek professional help is worthwhile and can benefit both the parent and the child. A professional assessment can support the parent’s decision that help is the right thing to do in trying to move in a healthy direction.

Parents who can work out a flexible routine that is fair, realistic and practical, can hope for a more rewarding experience in child rearing. Visitation times should be honored and each parent should be respectful of that time. Putting information in written form, instead of discussing it verbally, can be beneficial in trying to limit possible conflict and arguments. School correspondence should go to both parents and attending school events like sports or teacher meetings together is probably ill advised.

Effective co-parenting is difficult when there is financial uncertainty. Realistic spending should be dictated by the financial and alimony agreement. Day to day decisions should be directed to the household in which the child is residing, at the moment. The parent present, during a medical emergency should be authorized to sign legal consents for both parents, in case emergency intervention is justified. Each parent should address how they want to set up an information network, where school and medical data is delivered to them.

Custody arrangements through a court, can include plans for holidays. It is important to be flexible, understanding and fair with holiday scheduling. Holidays will be a test for trying to contain feelings and emotions. If your child is going to be with the other parent during a special holiday, try to make plans for yourself and create your own good time.

This website continues to monitor the internet for articles, studies and research related to co-parenting and divorcing families. One of the excellent articles that parents should read is Parallel Parenting by Phillip M. Stahl, Ph.D, in parenting after divorce.com. Dr. Stahl focuses on conflicted parenting, parents who argue frequently and who often, bring the children into the conflicts. He lists nine issues that lead to this type of parenting and suggests Disengagement, as one of the possible styles of parenting after divorce. Parents who practice disengagement will avoid contact with the other parent, thus avoiding conflict. The second step in the process is what is called Parallel Parenting or parenting on their own. This implies that the parents will not bicker over things that have led to conflicts, but parents will transfer important health, welfare and school information, if non-emergency by mail, fax or email. Another step in parallel parenting is, according to Dr. Stahl, not telling the other parent how to parent. “Accept that there is more than one “right way” to parent.”

Articles, studies and research all consider communication in co-parenting as essential to success. Minor or major arguing or bickering over parenting issues can continue to cause conflicts and minimize parenting effectiveness. “Writing communication” can offer parents a middle of the road opportunity to share important information without the impulsiveness of verbal arguments. As Dr. Stahl indicates in his article, “by putting your communication in writing, you have time to gather your thoughts and make sure that the tone is not argumentative.” This also lets the receiving parent exercise some restraint in their response.

A Calendar/Planner can offer parents and children a written form of communication, rather than verbal communication. Each parent can write down their observations of the child, during the scheduled visit and include important medical and/or school in- formation, as needed. This presentation can be supported by pictures of important events and even drawings by the child. The information can be transferred to the other parent during the time the child is returned. The information can be copied and emailed or faxed to the other parent, too. Written communication, via a calendar/planner format, can be non-judgmental, informative, enjoyable and even positive. Children should also have the opportunity to participate in the written event. Parents should consider getting a calendar/planner for them, so they can feel, that they are involved in the parent-child process. Kids can be very creative in using pictures, drawings and even video in depicting events.